Once upon a time, back in the early 21st century, people had a much higher standard of living than we do now, here on January 1st, 2100. The US and the world had its problems, but Barack Obama led us out of the Great Recession and into a state of steady growth, millions of new jobs every year, and upward mobility for all. Slowly but surely, the country was emerging from the failed policy of trickle-down economics that had caused economic stagnation.
But that was not good enough for some people, who thought the Blacks were taking over the country along with illegal immigrants, gays, transgendered people, and others who were engaged in a grand conspiracy to destroy our cherished American way of life. They got behind Donald Trump in 2016, and to his own disbelief, he “won” — if one considers winning the electoral vote but losing the popular vote a win.
Fast forward to 2020, and Donald Trump seemed like he was in prime position to win again, only for COVID-19 to hit. Fair or unfair, people always tend to blame the guy in charge when things go wrong, and Joe Biden won and took office despite over 1,000 rich jerks doing the very sort of thing they kept accusing Black Lives Matter of doing and worse, ransacking the Capitol in an unsuccessful effort to keep Donald Trump in power.
By 2024, the battle lines were drawn. Joe Biden was on one side, promising to uphold democracy and the rule of law and bring about an end to conflicts worldwide. On the other side, Donald Trump was promising revenge and retribution to everyone who hurt his feelings in any way or was not loyal enough the first time around. He had long entertained fantasies about using nuclear weapons, and he wanted that power again.
With the walls closing in around Donald Trump for real this time, and not just wishful thinking from Rachel Maddow, Orange Man was freaking out. He called anyone and everyone he knew for favors, including the CEO of Chubb, Putin, Paul Manafort, Kim Jong-Un, and of course Steve Bannon. “Relax, Donald,” said Bannon. “It’s all under control. We’re gonna depress turnout for Joe Biden like you won’t believe, and your 75 million voters will remain loyal. I’ve got this.”
Saint Karen started out as a classic knee-jerk liberal. She gave money to Greenpeace, she supported any campaign to Save the Whales, Save the Polar Bears, and gave money to PETA. But with the chaos and turmoil taking place in the country and around the world, with the existential threat of climate change, and the bad guys screwing over the 99% and getting away with it, she grew more and more frantic. She became imbued with a sense of right and wrong. She believed everything the media told her — that Joe Biden was just as senile as Donald Trump was, that inflation was Joe Biden’s fault, that the world was coming to an end, and that there was nothing she could do about it.
And then Gaza happened. For Saint Karen, she turned to Twitter to real time info about the war. She saw “Genocide Joe” trending over and over again on Twitter. The President was the most powerful person in the world, she reasoned; why couldn’t Joe Biden just pick up the phone and call Netanyahu and order him to stop?
The events in Gaza became a dealbreaker. She was too pure and holy to vote for Donald Trump. But she did not care that she would throw women, Blacks, transgendered people, same-sex couples, immigrants, or even the Ukrainian friends that she sent aid to under the bus. She didn’t care that Donald Trump would make forced pregnancy the law of the land. Or that he would appoint judges who would overturn same-sex marriages. Saint Karen had her sights set on higher things. She resolved that she would die a glorious martyrdom. After all, she reasoned, she was completely helpless. Her TV told her so. Nothing she could do would ever make a difference; therefore, she was absolved of responsibility if she voted for Jill Stein or stayed home.
Of course the people around her in real life and online were shocked. They begged her to do the right thing and vote for Joe Biden, who would protect our democracy, as opposed to Donald Trump, who would destroy it. They appealed to her humanity. But Saint Karen had recently been taking up watching Russia Today, which, to her mind, at least provided an independent voice compared to the mainstream media. She talked about all the wars the US was ever involved in, how we were (and are) ogres and maniacs, how Hillary was an unhinged warmonger (even though Trump openly fantasized about using nukes), and how the fact that Joe Biden’s popularity among Nikki Haley voters meant that he was barely to the left of Donald Trump and Genghis Khan.
To Saint Karen, the people in tears, begging her to reconsider, warning about Donald Trump’s Project 2025 and other plans to seize power permanently, as he said he would do when he was still on Twitter, was persecution and confirmation that she was too pure and holy for the rest of the world. They were just mean people out to get her. She was more morally superior than any of them. She would show them. Just like the COVID-19 deniers, she did her own research. “My conscience is clear!!” she kept screaming.
And then Donald Trump won thanks to enough people thinking like Saint Karen and staying home, and everybody’s worst fears about him came true. Russia invaded NATO, and the conflict quickly spiraled out of control as Donald Trump decided that Lithuania, Lativa, and Estonia didn’t pay their fair share and refused to come to their aid. Ditto for South Korea; when North Korea decided to finish what they started in 1950, Trump, as he had warned repeatedly on Twitter, refused to come to South Korea’s aid because they too, in Trump’s eyes, didn’t pay their fair share. Donald Trump, in a fit of rage against Iran, ordered them nuked and 50 of their top cultural sites bombed, which normalized the use of nuclear weapons in the twisted minds of Trump, the MAGA cult, Putin, Kim, Xi, and any other rotten dictator out there. Civilization broke down, electricity was just as unreliable as it was in Gaza even before the events of October 7th, let alone Internet, and people were too consumed with basic survival as a long nuclear winter ensued, billions were killed, and those who were left saw their lifespans drop to half of what it is now. 40 years is now considered old in the post-Trump dystopia.
But as people were moving into fallout shelters and bunkers, or moving to 21st century Hoovervilles, temperatures skyrocketed after the long nuclear winter, the gangs, crime, and drug lords dwarfed anything FOX News conjured up before the nuclear winter happened, people were fighting tooth and nail over what little resources were left, places once considered fertile farmland turned into deserts thanks to the ever warming temperatures, and humanity had nothing left to live for, Saint Karen’s conscience was clear. She was too pure and holy to vote for Joe Biden. She had stood firm in the face of persecution. She thought she was destined for a glorious martyrdom.
For those of you who are atheists or agnostics, the story ends. But if you are religious or curious, read on. After she died, Saint Karen came face to face with the real Jesus, not the GOP Jesus of popular perception as portrayed by Jerry Falwell, Franklin Graham, Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts, John MacArthur, Joel Osteen, and others. He was in tears, along with the Virgin Mary (if one is Catholic), and the blood of billions who were killed in Donald Trump’s wars, enabled by the likes of Saint Karen, was crying out for justice. “But Lord,” cried Saint Karen, “I gave to Greenpeace, I dedicated myself to holiness, I didn’t vote for those vermin, when didn’t I serve you???” The real Jesus answered, “My child, you missed the path in life. You were called to be a steward of my beloved planet and to do what was right for your fellow humans.”
This story, which I hope is fictional, is based on things I used to think or what purity trolls actually have told me over the years. Yes, we live in a rigged economy which is built on the backs of Blacks and Native Americans. But we still have the power to shape history for better or worse at the ballot box every time there is an election. Winning this election requires us showing people the relationship between actions and consequences. If enough people think like the fictional Saint Karen, the consequences will be dire. But if enough people see the stakes in this election, then we have an opportunity to forge a new era of peace and prosperity. Don’t be a purity troll — EH.